Today was one of those days I wish would be long forgotten or at least dismissed as "another boring day." Alas, that probably won't happen because the drama and the tears and frustration that defined the afternoon will mark this day for quite awhile as a bit more than boring. Drama is a better descriptor, I think.

There are four females living in our home, otherwise known as Kappa Alpha Estrogen. It seems at times healthy boundaries get blurred, feelings get hurt and one young lady or another begins to spew angry words and accusations that would make a sailor blush.

It's days like today that I figure, what's the use? Who cares anyway if these three girls have mutual love and respect for each other, my expectations must be too high, anyway. Besides, the oldest one is quick to remind me everyone (or no one) else is "doing it or going there or wearing it…" What do I know?

It's not like I wrote the book on Mothering 101: All You Need to Know…and Then Some.

I mean, is it really realistic to want, to truly desire these young women grow into emotionally, physically, spiritually healthy adults that are able to love and be loved? Am I expecting too much to want a great family that honors God first, loves one another and seeks to serve others?

A week or so ago, my friend Joanne was lamenting the same questions, only in her own way.

"Parenting is hard. And when it gets hard and when I'm tired and when it seems like

nothing ever changes, well, I just want to give up. I figure my hopes and dreams and expectations

of what a family should/could be must be just plain unrealistic and that maybe I should just lower the bar."

I thought I was the only one who felt this way…but it seems lots of us feel kind of discouraged sometimes. When I am without courage, when I want to just kick the ground and sort of give up I am reminded of a couple things:

My Lord loves my children far more than I do. He is even more interested in their emotional, physical and spiritual growth than I ever will be. (Whew…that does take a little pressure off.)

The Enemy loves when I get discouraged, sullen, sulky and full of self-pity…he jumps right in and echoes every negative thought I can think.

The Truth: Family is and always will be God's idea…so my desires for my family to be a great family…they aren't selfish, they are biblical. Psalm 128 reminds me that "Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.''

More Truth: This life isn't easy, it wasn't meant to be…but I am not alone as a mom, God is working in and through my heart and in and through the hearts of my girls, too. His plans for them will not be sidetracked by my sub-par parenting nor will they be augmented by spectacularly fantastic parenting, either. I am called to fear the Lord, to walk in His ways, to talk about Him to my children and pray for them dutifully. That's it. I can trust Him to do what He says He can do and that He is sufficient.

f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g....

if you were one of the lucky readers who tried to read my last post and found it disappearing off and on today...blame it on the author's rather lame blogging/computer/html skills. i use word2007 to publish and it is sometimes f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g!

i really enjoy writing and the creative outlet blogging provides is wonderful, it's just that my blogging platform or process or whatever you want to call it is f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g!

i took a break from blogging a while ago b/c i got so f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.e.d.

i am not ready to take another break...but there has to be an easier, more efficient way to get a blog post out there!
Any suggestions, thoughts or encouragement???

memory monday…or tuesday…no, wednesday

My bloggy friend, Joanne at The Simple Wife hosts Memory Monday…and every Monday I think to myself 'I would sure like to join in the fun.' So, even though it is Tuesday {ok, now Wednesday!} I am going to join in with my verse for this week…and next Monday (if all goes well) I will come back and type it in from memory.





For me there is always the temptation to complain about my situation, then in an effort to dig myself out of the whiner's pit I try to earn favor with God and man through actions or works. However; to the astute observer, my efforts are disingenuous at best, pure hypocrisy at worst. So, as I endeavor this week not just to memorize this group of words, I pray my heart would be transformed by them and my words and actions would reflect what His word has done inside.


Well, that sounds all fluffy and spiritual, doesn't it?


Let's put some modern day meat on this scripture …what does this look like today, NOW?


Wesley's commentary expands on this verse quite well…[modern girl application in brackets]

To do justly - to render to every one their due, superiors, equals, inferiors, to be equal to all, and oppress none

[Easy application: drive courteously on the streets of Lincoln, yield the right of way when applicable.]

[Challenge application: Oppress none…thinking on this one, much less applying it would keep me up for d.a.y.s. No wonder I need Jesus.]

To love mercy - to be kind, merciful and compassionate to all, not using severity towards any

[Easy app: snuggling with my children after school and listening to them talk about their busy day.]

[Challenge app: Not using severity towards any…does that include politicians? No wonder I need Jesus.]

Walk humbly with thy God - keep up a constant fellowship with God, by humble, holy faith.

[Kind of easy app: daily prayer and quiet time, reading scripture and journaling…I love to have my QT with God, but sometimes it seems life gets in the way and I am off and running for the day.]

[Challenge app: Walk humbly with thy God…this means I have to trust Him with everything, doesn't it? No wonder I need Jesus.]

Oh, and this verse is from a cute scripture memory packet from a very creative artist, Jeanne Winters. Her gift collection, simply inspiring
is featured at Hallmark Gold Crown Stores. You can read more about Jeanne at her blog here.


For the joy!


ab

i'm not who i was...

as we get older we all change in one way or another...we get shorter, taller, greyer, sadder, happier...you get the picture. but for me, the most significant change in me occurred in the fall of 1993 when i made the decision to walk away from a former lifestyle apart from Christ into a journey of which i had no idea how it would look or what the experience would be.

so far, i can tell you i am so very glad Christ pursued me with such vigor and persistence as to send His own into my path that i would meet Him in the pages of Scripture over and over again. when i didn't know what to do or what to believe, His people, my new friends would point me to Scripture. there were no long philosophical debates, no deep unanswerable questions posed, no esoteric what if's...just the Truth of the Bible to meet me where i was in the fall of 1993. where was i? i was a single mom with no college education, a checkbook with about $150 and a minimum wage job at the college rec center. i lived in student housing and rode a bike around my college town because i didn't own a car.

clarity...in a moment of clarity i began to understand without God my life would essentially remain the same, even if I had a college degree, my own car and $15,000 in my checking account...i would still be without Hope. so i bent down on my knees, for the first time in my life and spoke to God, confessing every sin i could remember and asking Him to remind me of the ones i had chosen to forget. after what seemed like hours i rose from my knees, and climbed into my bed, exhausted. the next morning i woke early and opened my Bible, sat with my journal and wrote out my first prayer as a new Believer in Christ...the evidence was there...i realized...i'm not who i was.

Not to do list 2009…

2008 is but a memory...and the new year beckons.  I love January.  To me it is 31 days of possibility....to remake, renew, repurpose.  Each new year offers a moment of beginning, a place to start fresh…many of us start the new year with a clean slate and a TO DO
list.


Traditionalist that I am, I scratched out a simple TO DO 2009
list…but what about the alternative? What about a
[NOT TO DO}
list? I think there's some real potential in a {NOT TO DO}
list.

Here's what I've decided I'm not going to do in 2009:




{NOT TO DO 2009}

1. I am not going to use my credit card for stuff I think I want (but don't really need.)

2. I am not going to forget to return dvds to Blockbuster.

3. I am not going to make a promise I cannot keep.

4. I am not going to miss out on fun activities with my girls because there are dishes or laundry to do.

5. I am not going to say 'yes' when I really mean 'no, thanks.'

Oh, and my TO DO 2009 list…


TO DO 2009

1. Save more than we spend...way more. (like that's a shocker)

2. Choose joy. (because the alternative is yucky)

3. Be inspired. (I'm a labor and delivery nurse...this is an easy one)

4. Believe God. (...why I struggle with this I'll never know this side of heaven_)

5. Give generously. (of my time, talents and treasures...but not my chocolate)

Kind of a broad, rather vague list, I know...the details will come over the remaining days in January.  I do have a few very specific projects I'd like to complete, but it's so much more interesting beginning with a wide, big picture view of the coming year.

Words…

Took a little vaca from blogging per the request of family…they were running out of food and clean underwear. I'm all caught up now and back at it…

I like to visit Joanne at the Simple Wife every so often and I found Wordle. It's the coolest thing ever, especially if you're a Wordie. (Kind of like a Foodie, only with Words.) I come from a long line of educators, many of them English teachers…so reading, writing and doing stuff with words like crosswords and playing Scrabble begins early. Here is my word picture custom made from the words on this blog, just click on the small image to link to the site. This was way fun to make…my mind is going crazy with project ideas…t-shirt iron-ons, wall art, door decorations….

Christmas Greetings

May the hope and peace of Christmas be yours today and always.

What We Did on Our Snow Day

Make a scrapbook!

Advent Conspiracy…

There's a conspiracy underway…and I don't think it will end anytime soon.

I think we could agree we are all on a journey, searching…and it seems the holiday season exacerbates this searching feeling inside.

Unless the searching feeling has been satisfied. By the One who satisfies.


The One who satisfies came to us as a babe in a manger over 2000 years ago; today we celebrate His birth as Christmas. Maybe it's me, but somewhere along the way celebrating Christ's birth (aka Christmas) was hijacked by the searching monster. In the United States the "holiday season" begins at Halloween (or before), is punctuated by the Big Feast (aka Thanksgiving) in which we gorge ourselves on scandalous amounts of food and ends with the grand finale on Christmas Day. For many, Christmas Day has become a fest of consuming…of spending scandalous amounts of money on stuff we don't really need in search of something we really do need. We make our lists, check them twice and head out to Wal*mart in search of…something.

Christ's birth (aka Christmas) was meant to transform the world…not our credit rating. Why all this consuming during the holiday season? And it's not just about buying gifts, either. There's the new pots and pans to be purchased to cook all the extra food we are cooking, the new furniture for the people who are coming to visit…there's the new clothes to buy for the parties we have to attend…there's the wrapping paper and tape and ribbons to buy to wrap all the gifts we've purchased. And the $29.99 gallon of peanut oil to fry the $10.00 turkey. But you can use the oil over and over. Who fries food these days besides McDonald's?

Now, I may be preaching to the choir…or maybe I'm just talking out loud to myself…you may have all this figured out. But way back in early October, I was shopping the local *big box discount store* for Halloween candy and I noticed Christmas décor and stuff in the aisle next to the princess and fairy costumes. The confused look on my face must have mirrored that on my children's. "What's the Christmas stuff for Mommy?" "Oh, it just wouldn't be Halloween without a few Christmas decorations, would it, honey?" I decided I had had enough of the whole holiday consumer scene.

What if, as followers of Christ we would treat the holidays as the Holy Days they are? What if we would consider stopping the busyness…to slow down and listen to the One who satisfies? What if our transformed hearts would focus out on others, sharing the Hope that satisfies? This sounds great; you say…I want something different this year…but how?

Advent Conspiracy is a great place to start. Advent Conspiracy is an international movement restoring the scandal of Christmas by worshipping Jesus through compassion, not consumption. This page has some specific ideas for relational giving.

What Would Jesus Buy? is a secular docu-comedy about the commercialization of Christmas. It's from producer Morgan Spurlock ("Super size Me") and has received very positive reviews from Christianity Today and Beliefnet.com among others.

Catalyst Church in Kent, Ohio has taken the Advent Conspiracy to a new level…check out Christmas in Kent.org.

Rick McKinley's blog (Imago Dei Community) is here…read The Baby is Coming and check out Imago Dei's site.

Darryl at DashHouse.com has posted his column from Christian Week.

Here in my town three churches have formed Christmas on 84^th Street…here's the site for inspiration.

Inspiration for Celebrating Christ in Your Home:


What about Santa Claus? We began celebrating Saint Nicholas Day many years ago. Pastor Ralph Wilson at Joyful Heart Renewal Ministries has written a lovely article about Nicholas, find it here. Many of you may already know the story, I had never heard "the truth about Santa" until I was a Christ follower! For details on our family St. Nicholas celebration see Treasured Traditions.

And this link to Simpleliving.org is a wonderful Epiphany resource…a great way to signify the close of the Christmas season.

Joanne at The Simple Wife has an Advent Countdown with daily treasures to share with her children. The project page has the how-to. I love the simplicity and the message…this project reminds me of Resurrection Eggs…but that's for another special Holy Day!

A Season of Gratitude

Over the past weeks I have been writing down what I am giving thanks for this season…

I am thankful for God and all that He is…I am thankful for His gift of grace and mercy to me… for family and friends He has provided…my husband and our daughters…a healthy holiday for our family…our home…for financial provision to pay off debt…for my calling as a mother and wife and nurse…for being part of a church home here in Nebraska…I am thankful for the friendships we have made along the way and praying for new, deep friendships to walk along the road with…I am thankful for the first snow! and the firewood we were able to gather this summer to enjoy this winter…for being able to work part time so I can be home for the kids as much as possible…for the few days we were able to spend at Disneyland just before Christmas last year (before Emily's surprise surgery)…and for Christmas Day '06 with caring staff, nurses and doctors at Children's Hospital Orange County taking care of Emily (and us)…and for the love and warmth we received from Orange County Ronald McDonald house…I am thankful Emily has recovered fully from surgery and she has remained free from any further complications from the tumor…I am thankful we have had the opportunity to give to others in need…and I am thankful this season of gratitude is not just a day or moment or calendar event, but an attitude of the heart. It is a heart attitude that's not "gutted out" or from following the latest three step self improvement plan, but a heart attitude graciously provided by a loving God who lives in me.

Check out these promises…

 “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean;I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.And I will put my Spirit in you and move youto follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.You will live in the land I gave your forefathers;you will be my people, and I will be your God.”Ezekiel 36:25-28

The Truth About Me…part 2

The first time I learned The Truth About Me was the fall of 1993 and I was a single mom and a student at Colorado State University. I had made friends with Allison, who other than her annoying habit of bringing every conversation back Jesus, was on all accounts "normal". Our personalities seemed to click and we often sat for hours chatting while our children played together. Over the course of time, however a significant contrast between us became apparent. She had something I did not and I could see the difference lived out in her life and family…and on her face. Allison radiated Christ. Something happens when an unbeliever (me) spends time with someone who has the living God dwelling inside them (Allison). Either you are drawn the presence of the Holy Spirit in that person or the Presence is so uncomfortable for you that you find ways to avoid them or even end the relationship. I was drawn into His Presence.


Unbeknownst to me, God had been preparing my heart and He began to reveal Himself through my conversations with Allison. I had begun an inward journey and was searching for answers to the Big Questions. I was able to understand a lot about God but I had a hard time understanding on a deeper level I was separated from God. I knew I wasn't perfect, a quick survey of my present circumstances revealed that quite well, but understanding my "goodness" wasn't even close to being good enough for God…was disturbing.


My search led me to scripture and I was met by a holy God. Since I did not grow up "in the Church" reading the "great stories" of the Bible were fresh and new for me. Yet, I wanted to know why Knowing God made Alison so different from me knowing about God.


God met me in my little apartment in the evening hours as I read His Word. I remember the very moment when I realized I would one day give an account of myself to God…it was if time stopped. Every moment, every decision, every s.i.n. would be laid before me and I would be held accountable. I'm no mathematician, but on a deeper level I finally understood [my sin] > [all the good stuff I will ever do]. I was broken. I was afraid. I cried. I could feel my heart aching because I could see there was no way I was going to be able to fix the situation I was in.


It was Romans 14:11, 12 It is written: "'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before Me; every tongue will confess to God.'" So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God
that brought me to my knees. I was absolutely powerless to remedy my situation. There existed a chasm between a holy God and me I was powerless to cross. There existed no action I could do to change this Truth and there was not one person on the planet that could help me. And in that moment I sensed I was alone with God.


I continued to read, flipping pages from Old Testament to New Testament…hoping to find something in the pages of scripture that would soothe the very real ache I held in my body. I quickly scanned Psalms and Proverbs. Nothing. I looked in Revelation…it was if it was written in Spanish. I read a little in Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah. It was fear that gripped me…the chasm could not be navigated by my good deeds, self-improvement techniques or promises to straighten up. I feared I was too late…and I feared God was too holy and I was too sinful.


With breathless hope I turned to the first chapter of Matthew and began to skim the pages. And then I read "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I read it again. And again. And once again. I knew a moment of decision had come and I agreed with God about The Truth About Me. It was settled the chasm was closed and I ran to Him for the rest He promised. The ache was no longer there, it had been replaced by a sense of peace I had never before known. I was experiencing the unmerited grace of forgiveness from a holy God. I rested there, on the floor of my apartment for hours, in complete silence and awe.

The Truth About Me…part 1

In our small group we are reading a book that is having a rather profound impact on my heart and my relationship with Christ. It's called True Faced: Trust God and Others With Who You Really Are. This post won't really be a book review, but rather how God is using this book to teach me the Truth About Me.


In addition to reading Scripture, I can sincerely tell you I have read every "how to be a better Christian wife/mother/sister/hostess/football fan" book ad nauseum since I decided to follow Jesus in 1993. I am a full on kind of person and when I pursue something it is with passion and intention, thus the extensive reading list. But over the last couple of years, beginning probably around 2004ish I began to sense there must be something more, something I am missing…my relationship with my God seemed…distant. I wanted change, growth, maturity, holiness, godliness…to be like Christ, to be Godly, to live the disciplines…I wanted to please Him above all else.


For those of us on this journey of following Christ, the journey is one of choices. At some point between 1993 and the early 2000s I made a choice. I made a choice between two divergent paths in this journey with God: on the left-- the path of Pleasing God and on the right-- the path of Trusting God. There is no third choice; no "door #3" and one cannot jump back and forth between the two paths. These two paths represent the inner motives of the heart, the purpose behind the practice. Ultimately, motives become values and values become action. I chose the Pleasing God path. For me, the Trusting God path seemed so esoteric, so "out there", so intangible…and kind of scary. But the Pleasing God path is one of action, it is about experience, to many it's the sold out for God way to go! Passionately, I set my foot on this path and the journey began.


True Faced describes the Pleasing God path as one that leads to the Room of Good Intentions. Over the entrance to the room a sign reads "Striving to Be All That God Wants Me to Be" and to enter this room one must turn the knob of Effort. From the beginning of my walk my deepest desire has been to be the person God intends me to be, to be the person He has called me to be. It makes sense I would grab the Knob of Effort with gusto and walk right in. …I will be all He wants me to be…whatever it looks like, whatever it takes…I want to please Him! My walk with God will be just like in the books I've read, it will be like Paul and Peter, Ruth and Naomi. My goal is to be godly, I will persevere, I will be disciplined, I will fast and pray and do Bible Studies…and we will have this close relationship I have always wanted with God. And I became comfortable in the Room of Good Intentions…at least for a while. Then I got tired. Real tired. There seemed to be this rather uncomfortable, but permanent mask adhered to my face and on the faces of others in the room. When we inquire among each other "How is it going? How are you doing?" a pained "Everything's fine, just fine, we're doing good, yup, pretty good" echoes among us all in this Room of Good Intentions.


I lived in the Room of Good Intentions for quite some time…a looong time. I invested in relationships that seemed to go beyond the mask, but in Truth the masks remained. My experience in the Room of Good Intentions was littered with half used homeschool supplies, Bible Studies left incomplete, futile attempts at perfect tea parties, gallons of mismatched paints and fabric for decorating, scratched up mediocre Christian music CDs and multiple copies of the Bible in the search to find the most accurate version to carry to church. I began to feel stifled…the mask was on pretty tight. And I claimed to be authentic. I was tired. Very tired…of myself, of the others in the Room and of feeling like I was never doing enough, never getting it quite together. There always seemed to be this cloud over me, this nagging feeling I will never be the person God intends me to be. The intimate walk I thought I would experience after choosing Christ seemed to have faded into the pages of the well intentioned books I had read and placed upon the dusty bookshelves in the basement. All the concepts and strategies I had read about had ultimately left me…unchanged.


NOTE: Over the next few days/week I will be working through The Truth About Me….and I won't not post for months, I just need to process stuff a little…this is too exciting to keep inside, just getting it out in a coherent manner is a longer process than I thought… Jab