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http://outofthemud.wordpress.com/
See you there...I'm not all the way moved in, but make yourself at home anyway.
June 4, 2007
The Journey Inward...Faith...my response to God’s presence in my life.
Journey…a process or pursuit.
This morning in Sunday School (actually it is called “Discovery Class” individuals considering membership at our church go through this class) we discussed a book titled The Critical Journey by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich (Second Edition, Sheffield Publishing 2005). In the book, the authors examine the journey we embark upon when we respond to the presence of God in our lives. I have not read this book and this post is really just my thinking out loud...a lot of thought generated by a discussion and diagram.
The spiritual journey, as described by Hagberg and Guelich is based on the stage-model theory, of which I will direct you to this page for more on that topic and a more thorough discussion of the book by someone who has actually read the entire text.
Through the magic of computers, I was able to sort of reproduce the diagram from our handout.
All credit to the authors for the original and this reproduction.
The Wall…as shown in this diagram should really be a dark line only, but the idea remains. Most of us cycle from stage 2 to 3…learning and serving and learning and serving and…well you get the point. But, to grow, to journey deeper with God, we have to get past The Wall. And the only way out…is through.
And that is what got me to really thinking today... for some time now I’ve been hanging out at the Wall. The Wall is kind of comfortable, you don’t go too deep, don’t feel too much pain, you coast. I’ve been through the wall before, yes, but only long enough to journey inward and outward and back to learning and serving and learning and serving. In some ways, it has been an easy place to stay because going through the wall is not without pain. But remaining at the Wall is painful, too, because metaphorically you just “bang your head on it” but only hard enough to bruise yourself, not hard enough to actually break through…and that, my friend is misery.
My journey over the last two years (at least) has been a journey through the Wall. I mean I had been hanging out, like I said before, but I got bored, frustrated and miserable. I had been getting frustrated with the learning and serving routine, I did not believe the pinnacle of spiritual maturity rested in my “Christian Activity Resume.” I began to doubt and question what I believed; why I believed what I believed, wondered what was it that was truly essential in my relationship with Christ and what was clutter I picked up along the way. Was I a Christian or a Christ-follower…is there a difference? My quiet times seemed to be another activity to complete, rather than a time to connect with my Lord. I had been unsettled and restless. I yearned for something deeper, but was too fearful/lazy/comfortable/uncomfortable/proud to go through the Wall. It took a crisis to push me through…and then another one…and then another one.
I might not have known I was “at the Wall” but I did know I was not really growing or going deeper with God…and I wanted to, but knew it would take something more than just "wanting" it for true spiritual growth to happen. So I prayed. I asked God to do whatever it takes to draw me closer to Him…whatever it takes so that I would grow and trust Him more…whatever it looks like and whatever it takes…I yearned to be in a new place with Him.
That is a hard prayer to pray, but trusting Him is harder. I knew He would answer that prayer, I had no idea what the answer(s) would look like…I just had to trust Him.
So what happened?
On this journey inward there has been pain, loss, joy, peace, grace, sadness, fear, gratitude…you know, the messy stuff of life we all deal with. As I expected. But in this whole mess, I have experienced a deepness with the Lord I could have only experienced by journeying through the Wall. This place, which I think is stage 4, is hard to describe, it is a place where “heart work” is done…where spirituality and psychology collide. It is a place where Truth is revealed about who I am and who God is. This place is a place of trust…of prayers sent up fervently and with hope, a place where I cannot go forward on my own strength, but one in which I have to believe His promises.
I know He loves me.
I know He is sovereign.
I know He is my Redeemer.
I know He hears me when I call upon Him.
Looking at the diagram, stages 5 & 6 loom ahead…I am not there, I am pretty sure. There is a lot more decluttering of unresolved issues between me & God, between me & me, between me & my husband…I’ll be hanging out here for a while, I am pretty sure.
And that is what got me to really thinking today... for some time now I’ve been hanging out at the Wall. The Wall is kind of comfortable, you don’t go too deep, don’t feel too much pain, you coast. I’ve been through the wall before, yes, but only long enough to journey inward and outward and back to learning and serving and learning and serving. In some ways, it has been an easy place to stay because going through the wall is not without pain. But remaining at the Wall is painful, too, because metaphorically you just “bang your head on it” but only hard enough to bruise yourself, not hard enough to actually break through…and that, my friend is misery.
My journey over the last two years (at least) has been a journey through the Wall. I mean I had been hanging out, like I said before, but I got bored, frustrated and miserable. I had been getting frustrated with the learning and serving routine, I did not believe the pinnacle of spiritual maturity rested in my “Christian Activity Resume.” I began to doubt and question what I believed; why I believed what I believed, wondered what was it that was truly essential in my relationship with Christ and what was clutter I picked up along the way. Was I a Christian or a Christ-follower…is there a difference? My quiet times seemed to be another activity to complete, rather than a time to connect with my Lord. I had been unsettled and restless. I yearned for something deeper, but was too fearful/lazy/comfortable/uncomfortable/proud to go through the Wall. It took a crisis to push me through…and then another one…and then another one.
I might not have known I was “at the Wall” but I did know I was not really growing or going deeper with God…and I wanted to, but knew it would take something more than just "wanting" it for true spiritual growth to happen. So I prayed. I asked God to do whatever it takes to draw me closer to Him…whatever it takes so that I would grow and trust Him more…whatever it looks like and whatever it takes…I yearned to be in a new place with Him.
That is a hard prayer to pray, but trusting Him is harder. I knew He would answer that prayer, I had no idea what the answer(s) would look like…I just had to trust Him.
So what happened?
On this journey inward there has been pain, loss, joy, peace, grace, sadness, fear, gratitude…you know, the messy stuff of life we all deal with. As I expected. But in this whole mess, I have experienced a deepness with the Lord I could have only experienced by journeying through the Wall. This place, which I think is stage 4, is hard to describe, it is a place where “heart work” is done…where spirituality and psychology collide. It is a place where Truth is revealed about who I am and who God is. This place is a place of trust…of prayers sent up fervently and with hope, a place where I cannot go forward on my own strength, but one in which I have to believe His promises.
I know He loves me.
I know He is sovereign.
I know He is my Redeemer.
I know He hears me when I call upon Him.
Looking at the diagram, stages 5 & 6 loom ahead…I am not there, I am pretty sure. There is a lot more decluttering of unresolved issues between me & God, between me & me, between me & my husband…I’ll be hanging out here for a while, I am pretty sure.
And that is okay… He promises me this...
“For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”
Jeremiah 29:11,12
Jeremiah 29:11,12
May 19, 2007
Like a Good Neighbor...State Farm is There 
So, did ya ever have one of those days? You know, a day that you couldn't have made up for the pure comical entertainment of your readers...a fictional experience that is really non-fiction?
Wednesday was one of those days for me. I'm still traumatized, only today can I finally write about it.
The day began like any lovely spring day...wake up, throw on some running clothes, get the kids ready for school, cook up a pan of delicious oatmeal and chase it down with some leaded coffee (unleaded a.k.a. decaf is a waste of time to me) and head out the door in the nick of time to get my little learners to their appropriate learning places.
But something in the cosmos must have shifted around 9:23am...
So, here's the thing....My husband travels often, sometimes for up to a week at a time, sometimes overnight. He spent Tuesday night in Omaha and was due back in town after lunch. Our minivan was in the shop due to some transmission issues...so with the minivan on the skids, I was driving our little Subaru wagon to carpool, etc. (you'd be surprised how many kids you can pack in a four door with a hatchback.)
I have been trying to lose some weight (actually a lot of weight, but that's for another blog) so I stopped at one of the parks in town with a beautiful lake and nice, wide path to run on for my daily run/walk. I am not one to lock vehicles....no one is going to bother my stuff, right?...but for some reason I chose to lock the Subaru--with the panic mode on. I put the remote transmitter on a carabiner and clasped it to the waistband of my shorts, safe and secure. Not quite.
I finished my run/walk thirty minutes and 6 songs later...only to find the remote was gone. My key for the Subaru, the garage door opener (for my locked house), my cell phone and my wallet were safely locked in the four door hatchback. It was 10:15 and I needed to pick up daughter #3 from preschool by 11:30. Peachy. I turned around and began to retrace my steps....quickly. The whole time I am trying to troubleshoot a very bad situation...no keys, no friends to call because I have none, no cell phone anyway--locked in the Subaru...and then it hit me.
A mere city block away was our State Farm agent. You know the song....like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hum it. After making it around the lake (again) I booked it to Chuck's office and was greeted by smiling faces (eager to help) and a bottle of cold water with Chuck's beaming face on it. I choked out my situation and before I could finish the receptionist was calmly dialing a locksmith. Chuck gave me his keys to pick up my dear daughter and I was off to preschool...on time!
Jimmy, the locksmith, got the Subaru unlocked about an hour later and brought the key to the State Farm office where daughter #3 and I had been waiting. Chuck wrote a check to pay for the locksmith and gave me a ride back to the park. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Now this little ditty isn't about State Farm or having great insurance coverage, it's not about my crazy misfortune and it's not even about locksmiths. It's about gratitude.
Remember how I mentioned earlier the beautiful park, the lake...yada, yada. I love living here and I love our neighborhood, the park, the lake, our home, my job, the schools and teachers my children have, the friends my kids have made...so I am thankful. Very thankful. And as I was running, I was thanking God for all He has provided over the year since we have moved to Lincoln. Little did I know....
And I am thankful for Chuck, our State Farm agent who I picked out of a phone book, who when we met with him last year told us a story about how one of his insured had just purchased a new Lexus and as she headed back to Texas with it hit a deer in the dusk of the evening and then called him at home and he left his house in the middle of the night to help her and...well it was a great story, but I was pretty convinced I would never need Chuck to go to such lengths to help me...little did I know.
Chuck would say it was nothing. But to me, whose husband was 60 miles away, whose keys were locked in the Subaru with her wallet and cell phone, who is still new to town and has yet to make any real good friends, whose little daughter #3 who does not like to be picked up late...it was something. Because Chuck says what he means and means what he says I was able to get back into my car and continue with my day. And for Chuck and his word, Lord, I am thankful.
So, did ya ever have one of those days? You know, a day that you couldn't have made up for the pure comical entertainment of your readers...a fictional experience that is really non-fiction?
Wednesday was one of those days for me. I'm still traumatized, only today can I finally write about it.
The day began like any lovely spring day...wake up, throw on some running clothes, get the kids ready for school, cook up a pan of delicious oatmeal and chase it down with some leaded coffee (unleaded a.k.a. decaf is a waste of time to me) and head out the door in the nick of time to get my little learners to their appropriate learning places.
But something in the cosmos must have shifted around 9:23am...
So, here's the thing....My husband travels often, sometimes for up to a week at a time, sometimes overnight. He spent Tuesday night in Omaha and was due back in town after lunch. Our minivan was in the shop due to some transmission issues...so with the minivan on the skids, I was driving our little Subaru wagon to carpool, etc. (you'd be surprised how many kids you can pack in a four door with a hatchback.)
I have been trying to lose some weight (actually a lot of weight, but that's for another blog) so I stopped at one of the parks in town with a beautiful lake and nice, wide path to run on for my daily run/walk. I am not one to lock vehicles....no one is going to bother my stuff, right?...but for some reason I chose to lock the Subaru--with the panic mode on. I put the remote transmitter on a carabiner and clasped it to the waistband of my shorts, safe and secure. Not quite.
I finished my run/walk thirty minutes and 6 songs later...only to find the remote was gone. My key for the Subaru, the garage door opener (for my locked house), my cell phone and my wallet were safely locked in the four door hatchback. It was 10:15 and I needed to pick up daughter #3 from preschool by 11:30. Peachy. I turned around and began to retrace my steps....quickly. The whole time I am trying to troubleshoot a very bad situation...no keys, no friends to call because I have none, no cell phone anyway--locked in the Subaru...and then it hit me.
A mere city block away was our State Farm agent. You know the song....like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hum it. After making it around the lake (again) I booked it to Chuck's office and was greeted by smiling faces (eager to help) and a bottle of cold water with Chuck's beaming face on it. I choked out my situation and before I could finish the receptionist was calmly dialing a locksmith. Chuck gave me his keys to pick up my dear daughter and I was off to preschool...on time!
Jimmy, the locksmith, got the Subaru unlocked about an hour later and brought the key to the State Farm office where daughter #3 and I had been waiting. Chuck wrote a check to pay for the locksmith and gave me a ride back to the park. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Now this little ditty isn't about State Farm or having great insurance coverage, it's not about my crazy misfortune and it's not even about locksmiths. It's about gratitude.
Remember how I mentioned earlier the beautiful park, the lake...yada, yada. I love living here and I love our neighborhood, the park, the lake, our home, my job, the schools and teachers my children have, the friends my kids have made...so I am thankful. Very thankful. And as I was running, I was thanking God for all He has provided over the year since we have moved to Lincoln. Little did I know....
And I am thankful for Chuck, our State Farm agent who I picked out of a phone book, who when we met with him last year told us a story about how one of his insured had just purchased a new Lexus and as she headed back to Texas with it hit a deer in the dusk of the evening and then called him at home and he left his house in the middle of the night to help her and...well it was a great story, but I was pretty convinced I would never need Chuck to go to such lengths to help me...little did I know.
Chuck would say it was nothing. But to me, whose husband was 60 miles away, whose keys were locked in the Subaru with her wallet and cell phone, who is still new to town and has yet to make any real good friends, whose little daughter #3 who does not like to be picked up late...it was something. Because Chuck says what he means and means what he says I was able to get back into my car and continue with my day. And for Chuck and his word, Lord, I am thankful.
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