Taking a Break

So my husband and I are on a mission, a gazelle like mission; to reduce debt and become better stewards of the treasures we have been given. Because I am a fairly intense person (I usually approach a project or idea with a full on intensity second to only to my pursuit of God) I have been reading just about anything I can get my hands on about living a simpler, more frugal life. A quick net search for personal finance blogs yielded some very informative and interesting sites. I have provided links to two sites I have visited and read fairly regularly in my sidebar, there are others I have found as well, but just haven't linked them yet.

A theme I have found to come up fairly frequently on many sites has been the conversation about stay at home parent vs working outside the home parent tangled up with the issue of childcare. A recent post at beingfrugal.net intrigued me enough to comment. Another site, brip, blap had a similar conversation going and I was decided to throw my two cents in as well. And finally, The Simple Dollar has a book club; we are reading Your Money or Your Life, by Dominguez and once again a post, or rather the comments following the post compelled me to join in the conversation.

I don't think this conversation (the stay at home parent vs. working outside the home parent) can ever fully be resolved, we are all much too stubborn and convicted in our own minds about what is right or wrong, even in the face of research and statistics.

The Truth About Me…part 2

The first time I learned The Truth About Me was the fall of 1993 and I was a single mom and a student at Colorado State University. I had made friends with Allison, who other than her annoying habit of bringing every conversation back Jesus, was on all accounts "normal". Our personalities seemed to click and we often sat for hours chatting while our children played together. Over the course of time, however a significant contrast between us became apparent. She had something I did not and I could see the difference lived out in her life and family…and on her face. Allison radiated Christ. Something happens when an unbeliever (me) spends time with someone who has the living God dwelling inside them (Allison). Either you are drawn the presence of the Holy Spirit in that person or the Presence is so uncomfortable for you that you find ways to avoid them or even end the relationship. I was drawn into His Presence.


Unbeknownst to me, God had been preparing my heart and He began to reveal Himself through my conversations with Allison. I had begun an inward journey and was searching for answers to the Big Questions. I was able to understand a lot about God but I had a hard time understanding on a deeper level I was separated from God. I knew I wasn't perfect, a quick survey of my present circumstances revealed that quite well, but understanding my "goodness" wasn't even close to being good enough for God…was disturbing.


My search led me to scripture and I was met by a holy God. Since I did not grow up "in the Church" reading the "great stories" of the Bible were fresh and new for me. Yet, I wanted to know why Knowing God made Alison so different from me knowing about God.


God met me in my little apartment in the evening hours as I read His Word. I remember the very moment when I realized I would one day give an account of myself to God…it was if time stopped. Every moment, every decision, every s.i.n. would be laid before me and I would be held accountable. I'm no mathematician, but on a deeper level I finally understood [my sin] > [all the good stuff I will ever do]. I was broken. I was afraid. I cried. I could feel my heart aching because I could see there was no way I was going to be able to fix the situation I was in.


It was Romans 14:11, 12 It is written: "'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before Me; every tongue will confess to God.'" So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God
that brought me to my knees. I was absolutely powerless to remedy my situation. There existed a chasm between a holy God and me I was powerless to cross. There existed no action I could do to change this Truth and there was not one person on the planet that could help me. And in that moment I sensed I was alone with God.


I continued to read, flipping pages from Old Testament to New Testament…hoping to find something in the pages of scripture that would soothe the very real ache I held in my body. I quickly scanned Psalms and Proverbs. Nothing. I looked in Revelation…it was if it was written in Spanish. I read a little in Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah. It was fear that gripped me…the chasm could not be navigated by my good deeds, self-improvement techniques or promises to straighten up. I feared I was too late…and I feared God was too holy and I was too sinful.


With breathless hope I turned to the first chapter of Matthew and began to skim the pages. And then I read "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I read it again. And again. And once again. I knew a moment of decision had come and I agreed with God about The Truth About Me. It was settled the chasm was closed and I ran to Him for the rest He promised. The ache was no longer there, it had been replaced by a sense of peace I had never before known. I was experiencing the unmerited grace of forgiveness from a holy God. I rested there, on the floor of my apartment for hours, in complete silence and awe.

The Truth About Me…part 1

In our small group we are reading a book that is having a rather profound impact on my heart and my relationship with Christ. It's called True Faced: Trust God and Others With Who You Really Are. This post won't really be a book review, but rather how God is using this book to teach me the Truth About Me.


In addition to reading Scripture, I can sincerely tell you I have read every "how to be a better Christian wife/mother/sister/hostess/football fan" book ad nauseum since I decided to follow Jesus in 1993. I am a full on kind of person and when I pursue something it is with passion and intention, thus the extensive reading list. But over the last couple of years, beginning probably around 2004ish I began to sense there must be something more, something I am missing…my relationship with my God seemed…distant. I wanted change, growth, maturity, holiness, godliness…to be like Christ, to be Godly, to live the disciplines…I wanted to please Him above all else.


For those of us on this journey of following Christ, the journey is one of choices. At some point between 1993 and the early 2000s I made a choice. I made a choice between two divergent paths in this journey with God: on the left-- the path of Pleasing God and on the right-- the path of Trusting God. There is no third choice; no "door #3" and one cannot jump back and forth between the two paths. These two paths represent the inner motives of the heart, the purpose behind the practice. Ultimately, motives become values and values become action. I chose the Pleasing God path. For me, the Trusting God path seemed so esoteric, so "out there", so intangible…and kind of scary. But the Pleasing God path is one of action, it is about experience, to many it's the sold out for God way to go! Passionately, I set my foot on this path and the journey began.


True Faced describes the Pleasing God path as one that leads to the Room of Good Intentions. Over the entrance to the room a sign reads "Striving to Be All That God Wants Me to Be" and to enter this room one must turn the knob of Effort. From the beginning of my walk my deepest desire has been to be the person God intends me to be, to be the person He has called me to be. It makes sense I would grab the Knob of Effort with gusto and walk right in. …I will be all He wants me to be…whatever it looks like, whatever it takes…I want to please Him! My walk with God will be just like in the books I've read, it will be like Paul and Peter, Ruth and Naomi. My goal is to be godly, I will persevere, I will be disciplined, I will fast and pray and do Bible Studies…and we will have this close relationship I have always wanted with God. And I became comfortable in the Room of Good Intentions…at least for a while. Then I got tired. Real tired. There seemed to be this rather uncomfortable, but permanent mask adhered to my face and on the faces of others in the room. When we inquire among each other "How is it going? How are you doing?" a pained "Everything's fine, just fine, we're doing good, yup, pretty good" echoes among us all in this Room of Good Intentions.


I lived in the Room of Good Intentions for quite some time…a looong time. I invested in relationships that seemed to go beyond the mask, but in Truth the masks remained. My experience in the Room of Good Intentions was littered with half used homeschool supplies, Bible Studies left incomplete, futile attempts at perfect tea parties, gallons of mismatched paints and fabric for decorating, scratched up mediocre Christian music CDs and multiple copies of the Bible in the search to find the most accurate version to carry to church. I began to feel stifled…the mask was on pretty tight. And I claimed to be authentic. I was tired. Very tired…of myself, of the others in the Room and of feeling like I was never doing enough, never getting it quite together. There always seemed to be this cloud over me, this nagging feeling I will never be the person God intends me to be. The intimate walk I thought I would experience after choosing Christ seemed to have faded into the pages of the well intentioned books I had read and placed upon the dusty bookshelves in the basement. All the concepts and strategies I had read about had ultimately left me…unchanged.


NOTE: Over the next few days/week I will be working through The Truth About Me….and I won't not post for months, I just need to process stuff a little…this is too exciting to keep inside, just getting it out in a coherent manner is a longer process than I thought… Jab